How We Love and Who We Are: Books on Relationships, Identity and Connection
We are shaped not only by what happens inside us, but by who we love, how we connect, and the communities and identities we belong to. The books in this list take that seriously.
This is Part 2 of The Circle Clinic’s recommended reading list. Where Part 1 focused on the inner world, this part turns outward: towards relationships, desire, sexuality, identity, culture, and the therapeutic approaches that help us make sense of it all.
You will find books here for anyone navigating love in its many forms, exploring their identity, processing the impact of race and culture on their wellbeing, or wanting to learn more about specific therapy modalities.
There is no right place to begin. Start with whatever feels most relevant to where you are right now.
Body Image and Food
- Intuitive Eating
by Evelyn Tribole and Elyse Resch
A groundbreaking anti-diet framework that teaches you to reconnect with your body’s hunger and fullness cues for a more peaceful, sustainable relationship with food.
- The Body Is Not an Apology
by Sonya Renee Taylor
A radical and empowering call to cultivate unapologetic body love and dismantle the systems of oppression that fuel body shame and self-rejection.
Relationships and Attachment
- Hold Me Tight
by Sue Johnson
An emotionally focused therapy guide that helps couples identify and break the negative cycles keeping them disconnected and rebuild a secure, lasting bond.
- Love Sense
by Sue Johnson
A compelling exploration of adult attachment science and why humans are wired for deep, lasting emotional bonds that form the foundation of healthy relationships.
- Attached
by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller
A practical guide to understanding your attachment style and how it shapes your relationships, helping you find and build more secure, satisfying connections.
- Wired for Love
by Stan Tatkin
A neuroscience-informed guide to understanding your partner’s brain and building a secure, lasting relationship through attunement, empathy, and mutual care.
- The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work
by John Gottman and Nan Silver
An evidence-based relationship guide drawn from decades of research on what genuinely makes couples thrive, communicate well, and stay connected long-term.
- Eight Dates
by John Gottman, Julie Schwartz Gottman, Doug Abrams and Rachel Carlton Abrams
Eight meaningful conversation guides to help couples deepen intimacy, strengthen friendship, and navigate the key areas that make love endure.
- Us
by Terrence Real
A relational life therapy guide to moving beyond harmful relationship patterns towards genuine intimacy, mutual respect, and lasting love.
- The State of Affairs
by Esther Perel
A compassionate and thought-provoking reframe of infidelity that explores what affairs reveal about desire, identity, and the evolving nature of modern relationships.
- After the Affair
by Janis Abrahms Spring
A compassionate, evidence-based guide for both partners navigating the painful aftermath of infidelity and deciding whether to heal the relationship or move forward.
Sexuality and Desire
- Come As You Are
by Emily Nagoski
A science-based guide to understanding female sexuality, arousal, and desire that helps women embrace and celebrate their unique sexual selves without shame.
- Come Together
by Emily Nagoski
A research-grounded guide for couples looking to sustain and deepen sexual connection through curiosity, compassion, and understanding context.
- Magnificent Sex
by Peggy J. Kleinplatz and A. Dana Menard
A study of what sexually optimal experiences actually look like and how couples of all ages can cultivate deeply fulfilling, embodied intimacy.
- Mating in Captivity
by Esther Perel
A provocative and insightful exploration of the tension between security and desire in long-term relationships and how to keep erotic energy alive.
- Better Sex Through Mindfulness
by Lori Brotto
An evidence-based guide to using mindfulness techniques to deepen sexual pleasure, address low desire, and reconnect mind and body during intimacy.
- Mind the Gap
by Karen Gurney
A psychosexologist’s accessible guide to understanding the desire gap in relationships and practical, evidence-informed ways to close it for a more fulfilling sex life.
- The Ultimate Guide to Kink
edited by Tristan Taormino
A frank, inclusive, and thorough resource for anyone curious about BDSM, kink, and alternative forms of consensual erotic expression.
Ethical Non-Monogamy and Polyamory
- Polysecure
by Jessica Fern
An attachment theory-informed guide to building secure, loving, and emotionally fulfilling connections within non-monogamous and polyamorous relationships.
- The Ethical Slut
by Janet W. Hardy and Dossie Easton
A foundational and liberating guide to navigating multiple consensual relationships with honesty, open communication, and genuine joy.
- More Than Two
by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert
A comprehensive ethical framework for practising polyamory that centres the wellbeing, autonomy, and agency of every individual involved.
- Building Open Relationships
by Liz Powell
A practical, inclusive workbook for creating sustainable open relationships grounded in communication, consent, and honest self-awareness.
- The Polyamorists Next Door
by Elisabeth Sheff
A research-based look at polyamorous families and what their lived experiences reveal about love, commitment, and the diversity of family structures.
Queerness and LGBTQIA+ Identity
- The Velvet Rage
by Alan Downs
A moving exploration of shame, authenticity, and the path to emotional wholeness for gay men navigating a culture that has long denied their full worth.
- Queer: A Graphic History
by Meg-John Barker and Julia Scheele
An engaging, accessible graphic introduction to queer theory, sexuality, and gender identity through decades of academic thinking and lived activism.
- Beyond the Gender Binary
by Alok Vaid-Menon
A poetic and powerful call to dismantle the gender binary and embrace the full, beautiful spectrum of human identity and self-expression.
- All Boys Aren't Blue
by George M. Johnson
A candid memoir-manifesto exploring Black queer identity, family, friendship, and the ongoing journey towards self-love and community belonging.
- Queering Your Therapy Practice
by Julie Tilsen
An essential guide for therapists committed to practising with genuine affirmation, curiosity, and deep respect for LGBTQIA+ clients and identities.
- Trans Bodies, Trans Selves edited
by Laura Erickson-Schroth
A comprehensive, community-authored resource covering health, relationships, identity, and wellbeing written by and for transgender people.
Disability Justice
- Care Work: Dreaming Disability Justice
by Leah Lakshmi Piepzna-Samarasinha
An essential collection of essays on disability justice, mutual aid, and what it means to build genuinely accessible, caring communities.
- Disability Visibility edited
by Alice Wong
A powerful anthology of first-person essays by disabled people that centres their lived experiences and challenges mainstream narratives around disability.
- Being Heumann
by Judith Heumann
A memoir by a pioneering disability rights activist whose lifelong fight for inclusion transformed access and equality for millions across the world.
Race, Culture and Decolonising Therapy
- Decolonizing Therapy
by Dr. Jennifer Mullan
A bold and necessary call to dismantle white supremacy within mental health practice and centre the healing of marginalised and racially traumatised communities.
- My Grandmother's Hands
by Resmaa Menakem
A somatic exploration of how racial trauma is stored in the body across generations and how embodied healing practices can foster individual and collective change.
- The Racial Healing Handbook
by Anneliese Singh
A practical workbook guiding readers through exploring racial identity, processing racial trauma, and building meaningful steps towards personal and collective healing.
- Sisters of the Yam
by bell hooks
A soulful and liberatory guide for Black women on self-recovery, emotional wellbeing, and the transformative power of community, self-love, and sisterhood.
Therapy Approaches
EMDR
- Getting Past Your Past
by Francine Shapiro
An accessible guide by the founder of EMDR therapy showing how this evidence-based approach can help process painful memories and break unhelpful patterns for good.
- Tapping In
by Laurel Parnell
A practical introduction to resource tapping, an EMDR-inspired self-help technique for building inner resilience and calming an overwhelmed or anxious nervous system.
OCD and Exposure and Response Prevention (ERP)
- The OCD Workbook
by Bruce M. Hyman and Cherry Pedrick
A step-by-step, evidence-based workbook for understanding obsessive-compulsive disorder and applying exposure and response prevention techniques to reclaim daily life.
- Overcoming Unwanted Intrusive Thoughts
by Sally Winston and Martin Seif
A reassuring and practical guide to understanding why intrusive thoughts occur and how to stop engaging with them using acceptance-based and CBT strategies
Internal Family Systems (Parts Work)
- No Bad Parts
by Richard Schwartz
An accessible introduction to Internal Family Systems therapy, showing how embracing and healing all parts of yourself leads to lasting inner wholeness and self-leadership.
- Self-Therapy
by Jay Earley
A practical, step-by-step guide to applying Internal Family Systems therapy independently to heal inner conflicts and reconnect with your core, compassionate Self.
Schema Therapy
- Reinventing Your Life
by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko
A compassionate guide to identifying the deeply held negative beliefs formed in childhood and changing the life traps that keep you stuck in painful, repeating patterns.
- Breaking Negative Thinking Patterns
by Gitta Jacob, Hannie van Genderen and Laura Seebauer
A practical schema therapy workbook for recognising and transforming the core beliefs and coping modes that drive emotional distress and self-defeating behaviour.
Dialectical Behaviour Therapy (DBT)
- The Dialectical Behavior Therapy Skills Workbook
by Matthew McKay, Jeffrey Wood and Jeffrey Brantley
A comprehensive, practical workbook introducing the core DBT skills of mindfulness, distress tolerance, emotional regulation, and interpersonal effectiveness.
- Calming the Emotional Storm
by Sheri Van Dijk
A gentle, accessible guide to using DBT skills to manage overwhelming emotions, reduce reactivity, and build a more stable and fulfilling everyday life.
Systemic Therapy and Family of Origin
- Families and How to Survive Them
by Robin Skynner and John Cleese
A witty and surprisingly deep conversation between a therapist and comedian that makes family dynamics, group psychology, and personal growth refreshingly accessible.
- It Didn't Start with You
by Mark Wolynn
A groundbreaking exploration of inherited family trauma and how to identify and break the cycles of pain, fear, and loss passed down through generations.
Existential and Humanist Therapy
- Man's Search for Meaning
by Viktor Frankl
A profound and enduring account of surviving the Holocaust that gave rise to logotherapy and the belief that the search for meaning is the deepest human motivation.
- Staring at the Sun
by Irvin Yalom
An existential therapy guide to facing the fear of death honestly and discovering how mortality awareness can deepen our appreciation and engagement with life.
- The Gift of Therapy
by Irvin Yalom
A generous and personal guide from master therapist Irvin Yalom on what makes therapy genuinely meaningful, offering wisdom for both clients and clinicians alike.
- On Becoming a Person
by Carl Rogers
A foundational text of humanistic therapy that explores the conditions for psychological growth, self-acceptance, and authentic human connection in therapy and beyond.
- Existential Psychotherapy
by Irvin Yalom
A comprehensive and intellectually rich exploration of the four ultimate existential concerns and how therapy can help us live more fully, honestly, and with greater freedom.
- The Denial of Death
by Ernest Becker
A Pulitzer Prize-winning exploration of how the unconscious fear of death shapes human behaviour, culture, and the universal search for meaning and immortality.
- Existentialism Is a Humanism
by Jean-Paul Sartre
A concise and accessible introduction to existentialist thought that affirms human freedom, radical responsibility, and the open possibility of self-creation.
This is Part 2 of The Circle Clinic’s recommended reading list. For books on trauma, grief, anxiety, and the inner world, visit [Part 1: Books for the Inner World]